Always Thankful

Today is American Thanksgiving (Canadians observe Thanksgiving the 2nd Monday in October.. but we won't get into that).  Every year on this particular day, I am thankful; not the 4th Thursday in November, but the 22nd day of November.  Today is my husband's birthday.  And my gratitude spills over to God for creating such a marvelous man.

Those shoulders are the strong ones that have carried me.  Those arms are the gentle ones that have held and comforted me.  THAT MAN is my safe place!  Thank You God!

There is no one I admire or respect more.  None that live with integrity as he does.  He stands true, as the needle to the pole, and will not waver.  

His heart is tender and open.  He nurtures the weary, comforts the sick, and encourages the discouraged.  And he prays with EVERYONE, no matter the situation or circumstance he will walk you to the throne of grace and put you in the arms of Jesus.

His passion for people and for God is unfathomable.  He is a warrior, clothed in the armor of God. He fights with all his might, protecting God's people from the enemy and rescuing those that have been caught and imprisoned.

So today I am thankful.  I am thankful for the man that shares the dailiness of my life.  For the man that I can trust and admire.  For the man that makes me laugh and love.  For the man who loves me and showed me the love of God.  For the man I wake up with every morning and fall asleep beside every night.

Tim, my heart is yours forever.  Thank you for being My Man!

Cameo

Every Mother's Day I get this overwhelming surge of love and gratitude.  The greatest gift on Mother's day is that I get to be the mother of my children.

20 years ago today, I became a mother for the very first time.  It was a dream come true.  5 pounds (and 14 ounces) of precious, wrapped in flesh and placed in my arms.  And every moment since then has continued to fill my heart .... 

Cameo was the most precocious little girl.  Full of life and energy and absolutely delightful.  She started talking early and before the age of 2 we would have actual conversations.  She loved letters and words and books.   We could spend hours reading.  She had a terrific imagination and an inquisitive mind, wanting to know EVERYTHING about everything.  Never afraid to catch a frog or search for cray fish in the creek.

She loved school and adored her teachers.  

She hasn't really changed all that much.  She's in college now, frustrated that she can't take all the classes that she wants to take, cuz she wants to KNOW everything.  She texted me the other day all excited because she realized that if she is a writer she can learn about whatever she wants to. I'm not surprised she wants to write.

I cannot be more proud of the young woman she has become.  

She really is rather amazing.  When I say she wants to know everything about whatever subject she's interested in; that can be anything from watching EVERY movie Johnny Depp ever made to reading about quantum physics to in-depth research on autism.

Knowledge is not her only passion.  She has a passion for children.  But not regular children.  She is passionate about the hurting children... foster children, disabled children, children who struggle with ADHD or autism; children who are misunderstood.  She has the wonderful quality of seeing beyond behaviour and into the misunderstood and hurting soul. 

I could really go on and on about her.  She loves music, from Mozart to One Direction to silly children's songs.  She's crafty and creative, decorating her room with the back end of elephants and making sure she has a Christmas wreath with ornaments.  She's not ashamed to embrace her "inner child" and delights in Dr. Suess and Veggie Tales.  She loves anything elephant, and adopted the bumblebee as her "God thing" because it is physically impossible for a bee the fly... and yet it does.  She is one of the most loyal people I know.  She loves her brother.  And she tackles life full force.

So on your birthday, one of the best days of my life.  My darling Cameo, I celebrate YOU.  You are the apple of my eye, the delight of my heart; a joy and more precious to me than my own life.  You have taught me about loyalty, about looking beyond, about the love of learning, about compassion and understanding the misunderstood.  I am beyond blessed that God, in His merciful compassion and as a loving act, allowed me to be your mom.  I LOVE YOU PICKLE!   

mom   

The other day I was sent a post on facebook, "when you are content to simply be yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you" (apparently a quote by Lao Tzu).  This person asked if I agree.  To be kind and yet honest I said I agreed, sort of.

It really isn't easy to "simply be yourself" let alone to be content in doing (being) so.  So many messages get thrown at me every day.  The media tells me the wrinkles that speckle my lips and the crinkles around my eyes are not ok.  Magazines tell me that I have to be perfect.... perfect in the kitchen, with my kids, in bed, in the business world.  The church tells me I have to be the perfect hostess, the model submissive wife, quiet and dutiful.  Love God but don't be too passionate....serve the food and sweetly teach the children "Jesus Loves Me".   

About 10 years ago I gave up on perfection and started the journey to live content with simply being me.  Living with authenticity and transparency, and balancing that with making sure I honour and respect those around me.  There are times that makes me hold back (so as not to be a stumbling block) and there I times that authenticity wins and a forge ahead.  

This leads me to the "everybody will respect you" bit.  That, I have found is definitely NOT true.  My own experience has been that there are those who will criticize authenticity and transparency no matter how much I am "content" with it.

In another lifetime I was criticized and perhaps even condemned for an act that I find sacred and to me is an act of pure worship.  When I sing or speak, before God, in church or to His people, I remove my shoes.  I used to do it for comfort, but as I allowed God to strip away my "perfection" I found myself sensing His holiness when I approached Him in song or speech.  And this is a way for me to be bare ... no pretense, naked before my God.

When I was told of the displeasure of what some thought of my lack of shoes I was crushed.  I went and literally hid and cried, sobbed really.  But, my merciful, compassionate God told me something different.  He accepted my act of worship, and would not take it away from me.  

I was left at a crossroads to choose.  Do I risk the displeasure of man and "simply be myself" or do I "fall in line" and do what is "church" acceptable.  There was no "right or wrong", just choice.  I chose to ignore the disapproval of man and remain true to my feelings in worship.  I am fairly certain that those who disapproved do not respect me or my choice.

To live authentically is such a freeing way to live, but it can also be the most painful way to live.  One is not necessarily respected or even accepted in their authenticity.  Some are afraid of authenticity, others want control and dismiss attempts at transparency.

So Lao Tzu, those are nice words... but not necessarily true.  Respect comes from those who embrace authenticity.  Respect comes from those who are also on the journey of living contentedly simply being themselves... and really the most important respect is self-respect.  And for me that means living in the tension of choosing to be content simply being myself regardless of whether or not I gain the respect of others.

k

My Loss

I had an interesting conversation today.  At least it was interesting for me.  I purchased a thirty-one purse and wallet from a friend and had to give her my credit card information.  One thing I have to mention is that my credit card has my first name, Nancy, instead of the name people call me by.  My friend, Jennifer, seemed to get a kick out of this and said she would call me Nancy from now on.  No worries... I was Nancy for the first 5 or 6 years of my life.  I told her that my name changed at the same time in my life that my parents divorced.  Her response, "so you lost your parents being together and your NAME at the same time?  That does sound rough."

To me, this is normal; my parents' divorce and the change in name.  No big deal.  Right??  Well, perhaps not.  First of all it was the wording Jennifer used "you lost your parents being together".  I always refer to it as my parents' divorce and NEVER as MY loss.  I'm not even sure if I can explain how it felt... to read those words.... "you lost...."  it was my loss.  MINE!  wow.  Ouch!  Kind of like an ache, deep in the center of my being.  An ache of sadness, of loss, way deep in the darkness.

My parents have been divorced for just under 40 years - 39 years this month - (ouch again).  That is a long time.  I've dealt with it.  Cried about it in my teen years.  Overcame the shame of being damaged goods (thanks to a great husband and some good therapy, and a greater God).  And yet at 44 years old I'm not really sure I ever claimed the loss as mine!  It always belonged to them, I was just along for the ride.  Floating aimlessly in the wind of their decision (well Dad's decision) like a dandelion seed caught up in a storm.

So today.   At this moment I'm claiming it!  It's MY LOSS!!!  And in claiming it, I can embrace it.  THE loss, of my parents NOT being together.  And in embracing it, feeling it, even dancing with it... I find freedom.  And this dandelion seed is no longer caught in the storm, but engaged in the dance, twirling in the breeze, laughing and crying in the rhythm of the wind.   Freedom, sweet freedom.

Getting Started

Ok!  The truth is I have NO idea what I am doing.. So I figured I should get over my fear and get started.  What to write about?  I have NO idea about that either; and I'm questioning why anyone would want to read about my life and inner thoughts anyway.  Most of the time I'd like to turn my inner thoughts OFF!  What a relief that would be.
Worry - just flip the switch to off;   Fear - flip the switch to off;   Anger, Guilt, Shame - off, off, off.  Can't do that though, because I've learned that if I turn those off then I also turn off Love and Joy, Peace and  Gratitude.  And I DEFINITELY want to feel  that.  All of it.  Let it embrace me, tickle me, overwhelm me.

So I'll write.  Even when I don't know what I'm doing.
And I'll feel.  Even when I don't like what I'm feeling.
And I'll dive into my inner thoughts.  Even when they are scary and dark.
And when they are not; I'll sing, and dance and twirl around and be grateful.
k